Do You Believe in What You See?

For all my faithful followers out there (all two of you :-) I want to apologize for letting so much time go by in between posts.  This summer, I was completely consumed with learning the lessons I am going to discuss here.  For me, they are monumental, life changing lessons that have taken 33 years and a lot of suffering to eventually learn.

The first lesson is that things are not always what they seem.  EVER.  Our human minds have the tendency to  judge, label, confine, and organize ideas and concepts and grasp onto form as a way to feel secure.  Form exists as people, objects, situations, beliefs, thoughts and feelings.  Identifying with form is our way of feeling safe and in control.  It is our ego's way of saying "I've got this whole life thing figured out."  Unfortunately, form is also subject to the laws of nature, which means it is going to break down at some point and as humans we miss out on the true essence of life and cause ourselves suffering if we remain too rigidly attached to any kind of form.  Yoga practice teaches you not only to be flexible in the body but most importantly in the mind. Yoga essentially teaches you to "go with the flow."

So, my belief (or the particular form I was identified with) was something along the lines of "My marriage is rock solid, nothing will ever crack it, and I am such a moral and highly evolved person that I would never do anything to put my marriage and family at risk." (um...hello ego!)  Your mind might be running away with all sorts of guesses as to what happened here.  And I am not going to explain as the story is extremely long and complicated and the details are irrelevant to the points I want to make.  (Rest assured that there was no dishonesty or infidelity involved, but even if there was, it would still be OK as I am learning...just read on :-)  It did however include a series of choices I made that now in hindsight do appear to be extremely poor and incredibly painful.  And this perfect storm led us to a point where we were not sure our marriage was going to survive.  The word "divorce" was used.  Never, in a million years, would I have imagined to be having that conversation with my husband.  So there you go.  This belief I held about myself was dissolving right before my very eyes as a result of choices I made that seemed like the right ones at the time.  Proof that nothing is as it seems.  Life is energy in a constant state of flux and as humans we have the tendency to cling to form instead of staying open and flexible to the fact that things are constantly changing...in my case I was attached to the idea that I was pretty darn perfect and had an impenetrable marriage so I was shocked and humbled when life challenged this belief.

The second main lesson I learned and the one that is the most meaningful to me is what it means to truly love.  The Buddhists have a term called "bodhichitta" which is essentially translated into "completely open, awakened, and enlightened heart and mind."  It is equated with our ability to love.  I have been reading about this concept for quite some time but only is it now that I have shifted into a true understanding of it through direct experience.  According to Pema Chodron in her book "The Places that Scare You" it is only bodhichitta that heals and bodhichitta that is capable of transforming the hardest of hearts and the most prejudiced and fearful of minds.  For me, I have finally used the concept of bodhichitta to heal myself and learn to love myself unconditionally, and I believe this is exactly where it needs to start.

Throughout the events of the past couple of months there have been many stones thrown and some hurtful things said and believed about me.  The first step for me was finding it in my heart to forgive these people.  Everyone sees the world through completely different lenses, and these unique views are the truth for each individual.  I was making decisions based on my beliefs at the time, and people were judging those decisions based on their beliefs.  That is all fine and good and makes sense to me.  Intellectually, I do not fault anyone for having beliefs that do not line up with my own.  But emotionally it was a different story.  Words can be like poison if you allow them to be.  And I could slowly feel myself allowing the poison to seep into my soul.  Thoughts like "I am a selfish, bad and evil person, a terrible wife and mother" started swirling around my head.  Which led me to my moment where my soul screamed "Stop feeding me with this toxic energy!" I finally realized that I had been accepting these false beliefs about myself for 33 years and all of these past experiences had finally brought me to this place, and to this moment, where I chose to live my life from a place of love and freedom instead of fear and self deprecation. Yes, I made some mistakes.  But this is where it ends for me.  I view these mistakes as golden opportunities from which I will learn as much as I possibly can and increase my awareness about myself and awaken compassion for other people who also stumble along the way.  But I am not bad.  No one is.  We are all children of God...born as pure love, light and joy which is our natural state of being and wholeness.

Bodhichitta has the ability to transform and heal the world.  There is so much pain and suffering that we inflict by the ego's need to label, judge and persecute ourselves and others.  It is through self love and acceptance that we gain the ability to love others unconditionally and fully.  For example, in this Perfect Storm, my husband's pain caused him to say and do some very hurtful things to me as well.  I now believe I have a fuller understanding of what it means to love and forgive since I was able to do it for myself so it becomes natural to look at him, see the beauty in his soul and recognize that as his true essence.  Rather than retaliate and defend with more hurtful words and actions, which would clearly escalate the situation, I am able to more easily forgive him and open my heart in compassion.  And I know he is working on doing the same for me. We feel that these experiences are teaching and allowing us to love eachother in the truest sense of the word: unconditionally.

So in the end, I realize how from an outsider's perspective the choices I made were the "wrong" ones.  However, the only way I can explain what led me to do what I did, was that I knew, without a doubt that I was being guided by the deepest part of myself....my authentic self, my soul, or even by God, to make the decisions that I made.  This is what I know.  I followed my heart and my truth and it led us into this current situation that looks like a horrible accident scene from the outside, but what does it look like on the inside?  It ties back to my first lesson, which is "nothing is as it seems" because from our perspective it is a beautiful place.  We know in the depth of our souls that this was part of a larger plan to bring us to ground zero so that we can rebuild our life and our marriage into something even deeper, more joyous and grounded in truth than ever before and are so grateful for the opportunity.

Homework

Today I completed a four week Meditation Workshop with Margaret Fletcher of Well Aware as part of my Yoga Teacher Training.  Our final class assignment was to complete our own personal statement on meditation.  Well, my statement turned into a one page essay, which I am now turning into a blog post :-)  Here it is....

“And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.”

These lyrics are from the song title “After the Storm” by Mumford and Sons.  This group’s music and lyrics are quite spiritual in nature and many of them have become personal anthems to me as I continue to unfold and grow on my own journey.   I feel this verse in particular sums up my greatest takeaway from Margaret’s meditation workshop.

As a relatively new meditator, I believe I spent some time in what I would call a" honeymoon phase" with meditation.  I felt many effects almost immediately after I started meditating such as inner peace, stillness of the mind and mental and emotional spaciousness.  I had never taken the time to just sit in silence and do the work it takes to focus your attention, start to quiet the mind and discover what is beneath all of the mental chatter, and it was exhilarating and liberating.

During the month of my workshop, however, I experienced what I would describe as a shift in mood or a mild bout of depression.  These low energy feelings and emotions were not new to me, but they certainly did not fit with what I had more recently been experiencing…feelings I would describe as joy, contentment and ease.  Enter here the lyrics from above…”And now I cling to what I knew, I saw exactly what was true,  But oh no more.”  Oh no more.  In this negative emotional state I could not seem to access those feelings that I had deemed as “positive” no matter how desperately I wanted to.  What I came to realize was that I was clinging and had become quite attached to the idea of feeling good.  Yes, feeling good is nice and comfortable but feeling bad is just as normal and a natural part of the human experience.  The Truth that is ultimately revealed during meditation is actually what lies below and gives rise to both of these feeling states. 

 

So I decided to take the teachings I had been learning and continue to sit with what I was feeling instead of trying to change it, as challenging as that was to me.  I also decided to stop clinging to how I thought I should be feeling, since I recognized that this judgment was creating a lot of inner turmoil.  What I ultimately learned from this experience is that both feeling good and feeling bad are simply temporary, transient conditions, just like our thoughts are just energy forms that rise and fall within our consciousness.  And that the point of meditation is not to necessarily help you feel good all the time, but to simply hold the space for yourself to experience it all.  Through the practice of sitting and observing your thoughts and the workings of your mind the real Truth is revealed to you…this Truth is the unchanging stillness within each of us that silently witnesses our ever-changing moods, thoughts and feelings.   It is, in fact, the same consciousness that holds the entire universe and remains completely unaffected by external conditions.  By beginning to identify yourself as your spirit, or the observer, instead of as your thoughts, emotions or life circumstances you are able to live peacefully from a state of equanimity since things are not good or bad from this perspective, they just are.   You also begin to organically live as your highest, authentic self and not from the beliefs and barriers created by your mind or ego.

While this Truth is right there for all of us to choose at any moment it does take work and a true commitment and desire to train and harness the mind.  With the proper intention and a small amount of effort on a daily basis anyone can achieve similar results.  And as this song so beautifully describes, once the Truth is experienced, there is no turning back.

So....How's the Weather?

I think it is pretty safe to say that spring has officially sprung here in New England.  Of course there are the typical northeast weather patterns to contend with (such as the cool, rainy stretch of weather we are currently experiencing) but everything is in full bloom and bursting with life, energy and color.  It is a welcome sight after many months colored by shades of brown, gray and white.  Year after year, nature generously offers us the freshness of spring and the promise of brighter, warmer days ahead.

Lately I have been turning more and more to nature as a way to keep myself in balance.  I recall that I used to have a tendency to become highly agitated if the weather did not cooperate and provide the sunshine I wanted on a vacation, or the snow I desired to create a picturesque white Christmas.  How funny I find this that I took the weather personally and actually became emotional about it!  This morning while I was sitting in silence before I started the routine of my day, I listened to the rain gently falling outside my window.  Instead of feeling annoyed and wishing it was a sunny day so that I could get out for a walk (which I did), I decided to appreciate the peaceful sound of the rain and thought of how beautiful and green everything will be after this week long stretch of wet weather that is in the forecast.

I also try to apply these same qualities of gratitude and acceptance into my life on a daily basis.  As much as we like to think we are separate and special, the fact is that we are an integral part of the whole universe and intricately connected to nature.  Once we witness how beautifully, intelligently and perfectly everything in nature unfolds I wonder how we can even begin to imagine that we are more powerful than it or reason that it is actually productive to resist anything that shows up in our lives?  To oppose or try to assert power over situations or circumstances in our life creates what I visualize as a blockage to the natural, creative flow of life itself.

This is not to say that we should expect to feel elated and joyful over everything that happens to us, or that we are not the captains of our own ships to a certain extent.  The fact is that suffering is part of the human experience.  To me, it's about allowing it all to happen without creating resistance or judgment, which only leads to more suffering.  To deny the dark, difficult or uncomfortable times is to deny life.  To try to rush or force something to happen before it is ready to reveal itself or unfold naturally is a futile effort and a waste of energy.  Again, nature is a wonderful example of this.  We need to know the night to understand the day, storms to appreciate the calm winds, snow and cold to fully enjoy the warmth of basking in the sun.  And just when you are ready to give up, the first flower of spring bursts through the ground.

Spiritual Girl in a Material World

Madonna painted a very accurate picture of our modern day society with her 1985 hit song, Material Girl.  Lately I have been pondering the fact that the industrial and technological age in which we are living comprises just the tiniest fraction of time that humans have roamed the earth.  It is hard for us to imagine that less than a century ago many of the modern day conveniences we are accustomed to did not exist. The vast majority of human experience on this planet has been without these "things."  Without the modern day distractions that pull us further and further away from nature and our own true essence/divinity, it is no wonder that people thousands of years ago were more self actualized and spiritually enlightened than people of today.  I imagine that living in closer accord with nature led them to fully grasp the fact that they were part of the whole, rather than separate from it, much sooner.

Recently, my yoga teacher and health coach Maureen Miller received a suggestion from a student to write about the topic of how to continue to "live in the mystery" in a world that constantly demands that we solve it....solve how to pay the bills, how to make enough money, how to have enough time, how to plan for our future, etc.  Since this is something I have been pondering myself I decided to take a stab at answering the question on my blog in my own words.  Maureen will also be offering her spin so please visit her at www.livinglifemakingchoices.wordpress.com.

For me, this past year has collectively been one the biggest "teaching moments" of my life on this very topic.  I have been very blessed to never have to worry about financial security...until this year.  I realized that it is quite challenging to "live in the flow" while something very concrete, such as your bank account, is sending off alarms that things are not OK.  I imagine this goes for many things in life, such as illness or injury (Your body and symptoms are presenting evidence that something is not OK) or any type of loss (That thing, or person, is no longer there!  How can things possibly still be OK?)  I found myself struggling with this question.  I would feel the anxiety start to overtake me and I would try to relax into it telling myself that all is well and that I need to trust in the universe to provide for me but the rebuttal from my ego was always "Your bank account, and these cold, hard numbers are telling a different story and you are screwed."

Hmmm...this was quite a dilemma for me.  During the year I certainly made steps such as simply becoming aware of the fear driven emotions I was having and learning they were not reality and not "me." I also realized that despite all of my worry and anxiety about how we would continue to get by, we were still getting by, so the worrying was clearly not serving me at all.  Intellectually I was starting to grasp certain spiritual concepts, and spiritually I was learning how to live in the moment and at times feel total peace, bliss and wholeness despite the external circumstances of my life.  But your ego is a powerful force to be reckoned with and how easy it was for me to fall victim once again to the false beliefs that my ego was presenting.

So one day, during meditation, something clicked for me.  I will try my best to explain what I felt but it is certainly something that needs to be experienced and I am not sure it can be reasoned or explained. 

There are two basic emotions that we feel as human beings: love and fear.  Anything fear driven (in other words, any negative emotion such as anger, guilt, fear, envy, etc.) is coming from ego...your "false" self or your mind.  Emotions driven by love (hope, joy, compassion, etc.) are stemming from your "authentic" self or soul, and is what connects you to God (or the universe, consciousness, nature, a higher power, or whatever you choose to call it.)  Your mind and ego are constantly trying to solve the mystery.  The trick is to acknowledge your ego without judging it.  Remember, it is just doing it's job, which is to survive.  Your authentic self, on the other hand, can relax into the mystery and go with the flow because it does not know fear.  It can't possibly know fear, since your spirit, or essence, cannot "lose," is eternal and boundless, always with you, and completely unchanged by anything of the material world.  (This is what yoga and meditation helps to teach you.  You start to see your thoughts and emotions as simply clouds passing through a brilliant, blue sky...the blue sky is your true self, spirit or soul.)  In my situation, my mind was working overtime crunching numbers, figuring out how we were going to make ends meet, how much more income we would need to generate to make it all work.  That is because the ego identifies with all things external and therefore is constantly in a state of fear that those things will be taken away.  When you get to the point where all of your grasping and attempts at solving your problem fail and there is simply nothing left to cling to, something really beautiful happens.  Pema Chodron calls this states "groundlessness" and I love that term. Once you realize you have no more ground to stand on you have no choice but to relax, release and let go....and then you realize "Holy shit! That was a crazy ride, but I am getting off and am still in one piece."  Your external situation hasn't changed at all but you are still OK.  In fact, you are more than OK because this place you relax into is literally heaven on earth.  The amazing thing is that it is always there every second of every day for us to choose.  Sadly, thoughts and emotions such as guilt, regret, fear or worry (in other words, thoughts of past or future) can quickly pull us away from the gift of the present moment.

So, I am wondering as I reread my post if this helps answer the question about how to live in the mystery in our structured, material world.  I think what it comes down to is the fact that there are always bills to be paid, jobs to be worked, things to plan for in the future.  But we have to learn at some point that we cannot and do not control everything that happens in our lives.  So what do we do?  We go along, make the best choices we can from a place of love, let go, and trust the universe to take care of the rest.  Easier said than done, right?  But totally doable.

I have read in my many books, most recently in Wayne Dyer's interpretation of the Tao Te Ching, that it is possible to live a worry free existence.  Now that I have had a taste of it, I know that to be true.  How liberating this is!  This is not to say that I will no longer experience moments of fear, panic or even complete terror but I certainly feel better equipped to deal with whatever life throws my way.  I am a spiritual girl living in a material world, loving and trusting the mystery and enjoying the ride.

The "Un-fluffiness" of Yoga

A close relative recently sent me a link to an interview she heard on NPR with a modern yogi and social activist by the name of Seane Corn http://www.seanecorn.com/  I had never heard the name but listened to the podcast of the interview, which lasted about an hour.  She is very inspiring and what I like about her is that she does not fit the stereotype of what most people think a "yogi" looks or sounds like.  I would describe her as edgy, raw and my personal favorite: A JERSEY GIRL!

Here is an excerpt from her interview, which can be found at http://www.facebook.com/l/8774ebSrIMapmvB8gcwVca11OFg/being.publicradio.org/programs/2011/yoga/

"I'm a really unlikely person to be doing yoga. Like I said, I was brought up in a fairly blue-collar environment. I'm not an educated woman. Very independent. And buying into all the spiritual fluffiness has never, ever been anything that I would've predicted would've happened to my life. And why I'm so attracted to it is because it's anything but fluffy."

I love this statement of yoga being anything but fluffy because I know many people conjure up the image of yoga being all about relaxing, gentle stretching, and chanting in foreign language.  This is yoga at its most basic, outer level and these are all really beneficial pieces to those who practice for these reasons.  However, to me, yoga, meditation and the path of spiritual growth and development takes balls (for lack of better phrasing :-)  It requires courage to decide to take a hard look at ourselves and see our less than desirable behaviors and thoughts, the ways we have of judging ourselves and others, the self-limiting beliefs that are deeply ingrained in us, the illusion of separateness, and all of the ways we create suffering in our world.  Looking at ourselves honestly is much more painful than doing what we have become accustomed and conditioned to do when uncomfortable thoughts, emotions or sensations arise for us...habits such as stuffing everything back down inside in order to avoid feeling or other ways of "numbing out" (such as food, alcohol, drugs, work, TV, exercise, etc.)

However, in order to see the light, it is necessary to first step into the dark.  As Seane Corn says "What it (yoga)  taught me — not right away, it took me awhile — once the emotions came up was that I realized that to really understand what love is and to understand this thing that they call the light, you also have to understand the opposite. You have to understand and embrace the power of the shadow, what love is not ....and the beautiful part is that if it's in me it's also in you. And if I can understand it in me, then I can also witness it and recognize it within you without judging it. I will only judge your shadow if I'm judging my own."

For me, this has definitely been one of the most amazing shifts in perspective I have experienced since practicing yoga and meditation.  I see so clearly how predictable we, as humans, are.  I see, without judging it, how we all create so much needless suffering for ourselves because I have witnessed myself doing it.  This has instilled feelings of true compassion and connectedness rather than separation from other people.  Finally, I understand how important "my shadow" is to me and am no longer afraid of it.  It is, in fact, my greatest teacher.

The practice of yoga, when done with the proper intention, helps us to face these darker parts of ourselves, which in turn leads us to heal and recognize the truth about who we are.  Yoga means union (of mind, body and spirit.)  Seane Corn discusses in her interview how the regular practice of yoga asanas (postures) will bring up intense emotions since all of our experiences, thoughts and beliefs are stored in our cellular tissue.  "And yoga is asking us to take the Band-Aid off the wound and be willing to heal it through a spiritual practice."  She also discusses how holding onto these emotions (since they are are all masked and stored within the physical body) can be as detrimental to our health as a poor diet, lack of exercise or inadequate rest.

True awakening means becoming aware of and examining everything inside of us through yoga, meditation or just a constant awareness and sense of curiosity surrounding everything we do and feel.  If we want authentic health and sustainable happiness in our lives, we must first be willing to confront the scary, ugly and harsh realities of what we have been harboring inside of us throughout our lives.  It is only through the decision to look within and become acquainted with all parts of our self in a non-judgmental manner that we will be able to unearth what is beneath it all....our authentic, whole and peaceful selves.

Meditation 101

Recently I have had a few friends ask me about meditation.  "How do you do it?"  "How do I stop thinking?"  "What is supposed to happen?"  These questions led me to contemplate this post, where I will describe meditation in my own words and relay what has worked for me, as well as incorporate some passages from a wonderful book I just finished reading  (thank you Maureen) called "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron, who is an American Buddhist. 

I started experimenting with meditation a few years ago.  For me, it was a slower process.  I didn't decide to  just "become a meditator" one day.  In all the reading I was doing about yoga and spirituality, meditation was always discussed as a critical component to awakening.  I would read the words but was not at the point where I was ready to commit to it nor did I fully understand its importance in the process.

I recall a few evenings years ago when I had experienced a particularly stressful day at work or when something in my life was causing me anxiety to the point where my mind was working overtime and I could feel the negative, draining impact it was having on my body.  Often times, I would turn to a nice big glass of red wine (or two or three) to relax.  This is typical.  When we feel we have reached "our edge" and whatever we are feeling becomes unbearable, we usually turn to habits that we have developed as an escape...and these things are usually something outside of us (alcohol, shopping, watching TV, surfing the net or even healthier activities like walking in nature or exercise.)  At other times, we experience a subtle feeling of restlessness, uneasiness or boredom.  In either case, these activities we channel our energy into may certainly provide a temporary reprieve and some pleasurable feelings, but it is never sustainable no matter how hard we try.  This is frustrating so instead the feelings we are trying to escape from actually become stronger. 

However, on a few occasions I was compelled to just sit with what I was feeling in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, I could just shut my mind off for a little bit and get some relief.  This did not work very well in the beginning!  I would light a candle, sit on the floor, try to breathe and observe my thoughts and feel like I was going to jump out of my skin.  Looking back, I recall noticing the instinct to just bolt...to get up, give up, and turn off the timer I had set for myself.  And many times in the beginning, I did just that.

However, I was still compelled to stick with it.  The turning point, I believe, was around the time I began practicing yoga on a regular basis and things just started to click for me.  However, I believe with the right intention you can start to notice a difference immediately by sitting in silence for short periods of time.  My goal is to help give some guidelines for anyone who might be new to but curious about meditation.  Here is how I would describe the method that worked for me, and the results I began to notice in my life. 

Start slowly - In the beginning, set a timer for five minutes at a time.  I made the mistake of attempting longer stretches right off the bat, which I do not think I was capable of in the beginning.  I believe you will notice results even with five minutes of meditation a day.  As you gain more practice and feel more comfortable, you will crave it and will actually want to sit for longer.  I feel that 20-30 minutes twice a day is a reasonable goal to work towards.

Sit comfortably with a straight spine - I usually sit in a cross legged position on a mat, pillow or yoga block.  As my yoga teacher Maureen pointed out it is important to have your hips higher than your legs in order to remain comfortable.  I make sure I am dressed warmly or covered with a blanket.  I personally avoid laying down because it is too easy to fall asleep and it is important to remain alert.  Place your hands in whatever position feels right for you.  (Some options are palms up or down on your thighs, or in a prayer like position with your thumbs up and finger tips lightly touching.)

Close your eyes and breathe normally - this is pretty self explanatory.  Also, come into your body and notice the physical sensations of sitting, your clothing, your breath and the surrounding room.  Basically, be totally present.

Begin to notice your thoughts - this is all you have to do.  It sounds simple but in reality can be quite challenging.  Your thoughts are powerful energy forces and have the ability to sweep your "observer self" right off the shore and into the fast, turbulent current.  When you notice you have been "carried away" by a thought and are playing out a story line in your head, return to focusing on your breath and just note objectively that you are thinking.  You can even say to yourself "thinking" and return to focusing on your breath.  As Pema Chodron says "It's no big deal."  It is what our minds were made to do; our brains are thought generating organs.  To me, the goal of meditation is to notice anything and everything that comes up...both "good" and "bad" thoughts and to not judge them as either.  Just notice.

Start over (and over and over again) - beginning again and again is the whole act of meditation practice.  My instinct is that people might expect to automatically be in some continuous, altered state of mind during meditation.  This may come later but not without years of practice and countless times of simply starting over when you have noticed you are lost in your thoughts.   Remember, as soon as you become conscious that you have become involved with mental chatter you've freed yourself from it! 

The goal of meditation is to hold the space for ourselves to experience our own wide range of emotions, thoughts and beliefs so that we are embracing ALL of ourselves and not blocking or shutting anything down. Through this awareness and experience we discover that there is something much deeper inside of us than the energy fields of thought.  This allows us to connect with our soul, or the life force inside of us ..our true self.  My description of this place is accessible, beautiful, peaceful, blissful, ever-present, expansive, light, and totally unshaken by anything that life can throw our way.

Our ego (or thoughts, beliefs and emotions) are a major block to coming to this place and the only way to penetrate it is to begin to notice the grip our ego and emotions have over us.  So just notice that you are thinking and notice the intense emotions that rise and swell within yourself....and stay with whatever you are feeling, just noticing and observing.  Once this wave passes,  you are still there and you will slowly remember there is something else underneath all of the layers of "junk" we have piled on ourselves over the years; our pure, loving, joyful self that was present at birth and has always been with us because it IS us.

The first word that comes to mind when describing what has occurred in my life as result of yoga and meditation is "spaciousness."  As one example, I am not as likely to become hooked by a negative thought that pops into my head.  This is different than never having negative thoughts, which is a very lofty, if not impossible, goal to achieve.  According to Pema Chodron, "The goal (with meditation) is not to try to get rid of thoughts, but rather to see their true nature.  Thoughts will run around us in circles if we buy into them but really they are like dream images.  They are like an illusion...not really all that solid."  So for me, the negative thoughts are still there but because of my broader awareness and the space created through meditation, there is now room for me to break the cycle by noticing the thought and saying to myself "Just thinking" instead of immediately feeling a negative emotion as a result of the thought...which leads to the vicious cycle of more negative thoughts and feelings.  I am no longer trapped.

 Additionally, instead of reacting to situations or circumstances in life with typical, conditioned and often unconscious responses, meditation allows space for more intuitive, authentic and truthful action to arise.  Suddenly, we begin to see things with a different, almost crystal clear perspective. 

As Albert Einstein said "We cannot solve problems at the same level of consciousness that created them."

Meditation in Motion

I started my B1 Health Coaching class this week and one of the first topics that we delve right into is the importance of yoga as a self awareness tool.  As I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, yoga would fully justify its place in our world as a fantastic workout and great way to stretch your muscles if that was all it offered.  However, it is SO MUCH MORE.

Yoga has been around for thousands of years.  I can't think of many other things that have been as sustainable.  It's because it works and is a proven way to integrate mind, body and spirit.  This integration is the only way to lead to longterm healing, health & happiness.  Yoga also provides a gateway to one's authentic self and the opportunity to access unlocked potential.

On your mat (and off during "real life,") the key is to stay completely present in your body as well as your mind.  To observe every sensation, thought, feeling and resistance that comes up.  When you reach what is called your "edge" in yoga practice...when a physical or emotional sensation becomes so overwhelming that you want to flee from it, you have a choice.  Physically, you can choose to stay with the feeling (as long as it is not pain you are feeling...you must have the presence of mind and body wisdom to recognize the difference.)  This is when you might create a little bit more length or opening in a posture and when you grow in your physical  practice! 

Emotionally, something might surface that you become aware of.  You can choose to completely feel this emotion or to stuff it back down inside.  If you allow yourself to really feel it, you might realize that this thought or emotion does not serve you anymore and that you have no more room for it in your life.  This simple observation will decrease it's holding power on you while helping you to realize that YOU are not your thoughts.   You will then begin to shed layers upon layers of false beliefs that have been built around your soul over the years and come closer to revealing your authentic and peaceful self.  For this process to begin however, you must feel these thoughts & emotions and face them head on, which is not always easy. 

If none of this makes sense to you, don't worry! It didn't to me either until I started practicing yoga on a regular basis.  I assure you, however, that through the simple act of meditating (either "in motion" during yoga or by sitting quietly and simply observing your thoughts) that something truly magical will happen to you.

Sam I Am

Sam's rocking Adho Mukha Svanasana (Downward Facing Dog)

I just completed another yoga weekend and am 16 hours closer to my certification.  Yay!  Every weekend of this training deserves an entire blog entry on its own...the combined energy of the women in this program is just incredible and the weekends are so inspiring, rejuvenating and revealing to me.  However, I have decided to dedicate this post to my beautiful friend Sam (see past entry re: our divine intervention as well as picture above and below.)  Today was a very special day, as Sam completed the program and graduated!

I have learned so much from Sam in the short two months I have known her.  She is pure positive energy and love.  She has a beautiful, almost child-like joy and awe for the world around her.  She is known as the resident "crier" in the teacher training program, which I adore.  She wears her heart on her sleeve and just loves her yoga so much that the tears come every time she speaks about it.  She seems so comfortable in her skin and sure of what she wants to do in this world: to someday be a mom and to teach yoga to children.  I know that yoga had everything to do with her being able to so freely express herself the way she does today, which is so inspiring to me as a beginner in the program and quite honestly, as someone really learning how to be completely myself.

I know that Sam came into my life for a reason, and she says the same about meeting me.  Sam is here for me as I learn to release my attachment to material things, labels and thoughts around how things "should be."  Sam is far removed from the "keeping up with the Jones" mentality and lives a peaceful life doing what she loves: just being herself in the world and not giving a second thought to what anyone else thinks about her choices. 

She says I am here at just the right time in her life to offer support and wisdom as she contemplates beginning the journey towards the event that she has been anticipating more than anything in her life: becoming a mother.  And I cannot wait to watch her become the beautiful, loving and energetic mom that I know she will be.  I hope that I can be exactly what she needs during this time of her life.

The following is an excerpt from Sam's presentation that she gave today as part of her graduation requirements:

"...what I have known since I first stepped on my mat is that I need to share this with the younger generations.  I feel that if children were given the gift of yoga at a young age it would benefit them for the rest of their lives.  The gift of breath and movement sounds so simple, but this is where the lessons begin.  To show them how they can control how they feel simply by how they breathe; how to reduce stress, create energy, and detoxify their bodies so they can perform to their highest potential, that is my wish.  To teach them that lengthening their bodies and relaxing into a posture can bring peace of mind and body.  And to teach them that when times are trying and they feel anxious, worried or any emotion that is not pleasant to them, their yoga is there for them off the mat too.  Yoga will always be there whenever they need to access it to overcome any opposition that may arise in their lives.  These are lessons that have been passed down for centuries from sages that are much more knowledgable and enlightened than I am, but to have the opportunity now to pass on what I can to young people is an honor and a privilege.  I feel that teaching yoga to children will have an impact long after I have left this Earth."

Sam....as Maureen said...."Step into it."  I also say "Let your light shine," because the world will be a much brighter place.  Congratulations my friend.

Sam just being Sam

Reflection and New Beginnings

Today marks the one year anniversary of a day that changed my life.  It was the day I was laid off from my sales job and stripped of one of my major external identities.  For me, this year has been a juxtaposition of significant hardship and deep contentment; of great uncertainty and also a peaceful knowingness that I have never experienced before.

I have been transformed and will continue to transform.  Do I attribute this solely to the event of losing my job? No, although I definitely believe it to be a trigger event that propelled me further along the path of personal growth and development, which is why I am choosing to recognize this particular day. 

Anyhow, I have been contemplating how to share my experiences and revelations with those who are closest with me, so I have decided to enter the world of blogging.  I feel it is important for me to share my soul in order to continue to live an authentic life.  The transformation that is ocurring within me is much too great for me to not talk about with my closest friends and family.  Additionally, I am realizing that as I awaken to my true self/nature that I am choosing to end certain behaviors that do not serve me or my core values anymore and the thoughts I express here may help to offer an explanation for any changes seen in me.  Rest assured, I am not going through a crisis or trying to latch on to a new identity.  Rather, these changes are inevitable as I awaken to my true nature and gain a heightened sense of self awareness.  Through practices such as yoga, meditation and self study I have expanded my consciousness and the result has been unparalled feelings of health, wholeness and well-being that I have never experienced before.  So another goal with sharing this information is that it might resonate and help someone advance on his or her own personal journey towards optimal health and well being.  I truly believe this way of being and living is accessible to everyone and is what we, as humans, are destined for.
 

Without going too far back in history, I will just say that my life has always been rich with blessings.  Like many, I know that on the outside I appeared to have everything I could possibly want, and I did.  However, like many people have been known to say, I felt that something was missing; like there had to be more to life than what I was experiencing.  When I felt this way, I would instantly feel guilty or judge these thoughts, dismissing my feelings by telling myself I had everything I could possibly want.  Clearly, I was looking to all things external for peace and happiness.  I also used to blame these feelings on a lack of inspiring work, which I definitely think was part of it, but one must take full responsibility for their own well being and happiness.  (In regard to work, I also believe it is not necessarily WHAT you are doing but HOW you do it that really matters.)  Long story short, these feelings inspired me to explore the subject of personal growth, self development and spirituality.  Some of the earliest books and teachers that I exposed myself to were Dr. Wayne Dyer (specifically Manifest Your Destiny) and Eckhart Tolle (The Power of Now and A New Earth).  These books were instrumental in shifting my consciousness from just my thoughts to the awareness behind my thoughts.  According to Dr. Elliott Dacher in his wonderful book "Integral Health, The Path to Human Flourishing" it is a very important shift to be able to simply observe the mind, as it frees up some space between a thought and your emotional reaction to it, offering a significant release from needless suffering.  I also started practicing yoga.  As I continued down this path of inner exploration I knew in my heart that I was not doing work that inspired my soul.  And I struggled with that, yet I still did not know exactly what I wanted to do.  (Now I have learned that I could not have reasoned my way to figuring out what my true calling was or forced a solution, but believe me, I definitely tried!)  Becoming a mother was also an overwhelmingly tranformative experience that caused me to further realize the importance of never wasting a second of this precious life.  It also made me determined to set an example for my daughters on what it means to live a life of integrity and wholeness.

So one year ago today, when I was called into the conference room to receive the news that the company I worked for was reducing its sales staff by almost half, I knew that this was a gift from the universe to allow me time to pause, reflect and create the exact life I wanted for myself.  Being 9 months pregnant with my second baby, it was also clearly a blessing to have unexpected time home with my children.

I will not say it has been all rosy.  Losing your job is still traumatic and it took its toll both financially and emotionally on our family.  But I strive to remain thankful for all that shows up in my life, particularly the challenges, as they certainly do provide the most opportunity for growth.  This year has been a prime example of that for me.  While there is still a long road to get to where I dream of being, I can say with complete certainty that I am enjoying every step of the journey.

  

I could not have guessed looking ahead one year that I would be enrolled in a Yoga Teacher Training Program.  In addition to this, I have decided to begin a 10 month program next week to earn a Health Coaching Certification through B1 Community (www.b1community.com).  Many of you might be wondering what this term "Health Coach" really means.  That's ok, it even took me a while to wrap my head around it, which I think is an indication of our culture's connotation of the word "health." (Most people think primarily of the physcial body, but the type of health I am referring to is an integration of a person's body, mind and spirit, which creates everlasting, sustainable health and wellness and authentic happiness.)

So here is my best explanation.  The following is taken from the reading assignment for my first class:

"In North America, we come from a mechanistic, fragmented perception and are moving into one of wholeness and connection. This is called the paradigm shift and can be seen in every field. It began to be noticed in the 1940s with quantum physics and has spread to all areas of our culture.

It is important to realize that the creation of the B1 Health Coaching role matches the paradigm shift. The role is an integrated one based on wholeness and connection. B1 health coaches address the whole person--body, emotions, mind, energy and spirit. Generally speaking, these areas have been divided up so that doctors take care of the physical body, the psychologists care for the mental and emotional aspects of a person, the person of the church attends to the spiritual needs and almost no one in North America until recently has worked with the energy system of a person. B1 health coaching is based on the concept that all systems are connected to one another.

In conclusion to this very lengthy blog post, I would like to share a few additional excerpts that really spoke to me from "Integral Health, The Path to Human Flourishing" by Dr. Elliott Dacher.

"All of us want a life of authentic health, happiness and wholeness.  We want to go beyond our usual sense of health and life.  We want to live with purpose, passion, intimacy and joy.  But you have to want that with your whole being.  You have to want that more than the comfort of what you now know because authentic health will change you.  Conventional health is simple.  Just follow what you've learned.  A far-reaching health requires a transformation of the mind and heart.  This holistic and evolutionary shift results in integral health.

What is holding us back?  Why have we settled for ordinary health when so much more is possible?  The answer is so close that it is difficult for us to see.  We've been trained to deal with suffering, distress and disease by looking outside of ourselves by relying on remedies, therapies, techniques, health practicioners, self help, and self-improvement programs.  Similarly we have been trained to look outward for happiness seeking pleasure from materialism, success, fame, romance, sexuality, alcohol and drugs.  These can comfort us for moments but cannot transform our ordinary health into enduring, exceptional health.

For this we need to redirect our efforts.  We have been looking outward towards wordly experiences rather than inward towards our essence.  That is our dilemma in the West.  We have gained mastery over the physical and lost touch with the spiritual.  To transform life and health we must shift our gaze inward where we will find the ever present source of exceptional health and healing.

Each of us is given a sealed envelope at birth containing a map with instructions that can take us to a precious health and life.  At several points in each lifetime we are given the opportunity to open this envelope and discover its inner contents.  Perhaps it is through a communion with nature, the arts, or athletic competition where we briefly touch an elevated state.  Or perhaps it is a brush with serious disease, death or loss, manybe an unexpected moment of illumination and inspiration, or a persistent and unrelenting sense that there is more to life than we are living.  Some of us will be profoundly and permanently moved by such experiences, grasp the opportunity and begin down the path toward what were previously unknown and unimagined possibilities.  Yet most of us will be too busy, too content, too quick to apply a remedy and diagnostic label to suffering, too preoccupied with the materialism of life or too hypnotized by everyday existence.  Caught in the perpetual cycle of day to day life with its alternating pleasures and pains, some of us will let this uniquely human opportunity slip away unnoticed.  We will pass this unopened envelope on to the next generation, assuring ourselves of a "normal" life and ordinary health, leaving the deeper mystery and its treasures for others to ponder." 

I know that I have never wanted to settle for ordinary with anything, especially when it comes to my life!  How about you?

First Teacher Training Weekend

This post was written in my journal back in November...just posting to my blog now....

I completed my first weekend workshop yesterday and wanted to write about my experience while it still fresh in my mind (and in my muscles…ouch!)  First, let me explain that I am going for my RYT (Registered Yoga Teacher )200, which is the first level of certification recognized by Yoga Alliance.  The program consists of 200 training hours that are built through workshops, practicum hours and self study.  When I started researching programs in the area, I basically decided on the one offered by Maureen Miller at Living Yoga in Concord, NH before even speaking to her.  I loved what I read on her website www.livinglifemakingchoices.com , loved the structure of the program and just felt it would be a perfect fit for me.  When I met Maureen at the studio it was definitely a cosmic connection.  We immediately clicked and have so much in common.  Our brief meeting at the studio turned into a lunch that stretched on for hours at the Bagel Works.  What really got us jabbering is the fact that Maureen just started her own life/health coaching practice, which is something I have always dreamed of doing.  She is awesome and since we are so much alike, I guess that means that I am pretty awesome too J  Anyhow, there happened to be a teacher training workshop that very next weekend and  Maureen encouraged me to attend.  I decided to ride the wave of energy I was feeling, jump right in, and am so glad I did.

While driving to the studio that sunny, cold November music, the first song that played over my Sirius radio was Glow by Donovan Frankenreiter http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KwznGu7y8JU(and yes, the inspiration for the name of this blog!)  I immediately welled up with happy tears, as this song has become my own personal anthem as I work towards shedding layers and allowing my true self to shine.  I just love the words and upbeat melody.  Whenever I hear it I also think of my beautiful daughters, friends, family and really all of humanity and wish the same for them.  It makes me boo-hoo every time I hear it. ( I know, very sappy but I can’t help it.)

The weekend started with a morning Primary Series class at the studio (www.livingyoga.com).  While I have never practiced Ashtanga Yoga it is very similar to Power Yoga (Power Yoga is derived from Ashtanga.) Let me insert a side story here that when I signed up for this training, I was not even certain what Ashtanga Yoga was.  Maureen told me in general terms what it was, but I liked Maureen so much and had such a good feeling about everything that I truthfully did not give it much thought.  The style of Yoga was secondary to me; primarily when searching for a teacher training program, I wanted to make sure that I connected with my teacher and the philosophy of the program.  Well let me just say that Ashtanga Yoga is AMAZING, perfect for me, and just another very obvious sign I am in the right place.  Certain postures/sequences were different but overall the class had a similar flow to the Power Yoga that started my love affair with yoga.  The temperature in the room was cozy but not stifling hot, which I actually prefer.  The instructor was so inspiring.  Her name is Beth and she is the owner of the studio.  She is tall, beautiful and totally commanded the room.  She regularly travels to India and is becoming fluent in Sanskrit.  To hear her chant was like listening to music.  Anyhow, the Primary Series consists of the same postures performed in the same sequence every time with vinyasas between almost every posture, which makes it very flowy, fast and challenging.  I was a little lost given it was my first Primary Series class but was also hooked.  And the class WORKED me; I was so tired and sore afterwards, but also blissful!

I realized the first weekend that I was going to need to let go of judgments I had about my body.  I found myself wanting to be perfect in each asana and worrying that my legs are too long or my feet are too flat to ever be “good” at yoga.  How silly that is.  My body is perfect as it was created and yoga is for EVERYONE.   Enough said about that (but still working on it :-)!

This particular weekend was technically the last weekend of the year-long program.  But since you can enroll and start at any point, it happened to be my first workshop.  It focused on inversions, which are so fun.  I love standing on my head and being upside down.  I believe it helps you see things in a different perspective. I love the space at the Living Yoga Studio.  It is so warm and cozy and smells softly like incense and as new as I was to it all, I felt like I had come home.
 
Another sign that this is indeed where I am meant to be was a friendship I developed almost instantly.  When I signed up for the training and Maureen saw where I lived, she said "Oh, I am pretty sure one of the other students in the class lives in Francestown."  I smiled and nodded politely but was thinking in my head "She must be mistaken.  NO ONE lives in Francestown and on top of that, the studio in Concord is almost an hour away."  Sure enough, the first morning I arrived she introduced me to Sam who does, in fact, live in Francestown, about two minutes from my house.  We carpool together and she is one of the sweetest people I have ever met.  I feel so thankful that our paths crossed. 

Intro and Background

I decided to start this journal as a way to process and document my experience as I begin a yoga teacher training program.  But the idea quickly transformed into a bigger vision.  If anyone knows me you will know that I am not very savvy when it comes to technology but I thought it would be really cool to start a blog and a fun, practical way to keep friends and family in the loop about what I am up to.  However, again, a bigger vision came into focus.  With my decision to enter into a yoga training program came a long awaited realization that living an authentic, purposeful life is available and attainable to everyone, including me.  It feels amazing and I want to share it with anyone who is interested.  I sincerely hope that something here will resonate with someone and bring him or her one step further along in their own personal journey towards awakening to their authentic selves and living lives full of peace, happiness and contentment.  I am not claiming to be an expert although I do have a deep passion and interest in the field of personal and spiritual growth and development.  Primarily, I am just human like everyone else trying to make the most of this life that I am blessed to have been given.  There is an unlimited amount of potential for personal, physical and spiritual growth through yoga and everyday life experiences, and I look forward to sharing what I learn!

My Yoga Background

I started practicing yoga about seven years ago at a Baron Baptiste Power Yoga Studio in Merrimack, NH on a recommendation from a friend.  I clearly remember my first class because it (or shall I say “I”) was a complete and utter disaster.  If anyone is familiar with Power Yoga, you will know it is a fast paced, very flowy and extremely physical style of yoga.  On top of that, the temperature in the room is cranked up to almost 100 degrees.  Probably not the best choice for a beginner but you have to start somewhere!   Anyhow, I remember the instructor adjusting me on practically every pose (or at least the poses I attempted to get into.)  I didn’t even know how to do the most basic postures, such as downward dog, and I felt so awkward.  I lacked body awareness and had no concept of how to twist & lengthen into these foreign poses, and my extremely tight muscles were not allowing me much freedom to do so.  Not understanding that one of the main philosophies of yoga is non-judgement, my ego was crushed as I compared myself to all the Gumby-like bodies in the class and attempted to muscle my way into all the poses.  It’s a good thing I did not end up seriously injured.

Despite this, I went back.  It could have been my perfectionist nature wanting to master this yoga thing, but looking back I think it was the beginning of a long curiosity surrounding the ancient practice of Yoga.  At first, the benefits I perceived from Yoga were purely physical.  Baptiste Power Yoga is a workout like no other.  It increases your heart rate while building incredible strength and flexibility throughout every muscle group in your body and since my clothes and hair would literally be drenched with perspiration after class I was convinced I was sweating out any yucky toxins in my body.  I felt incredible after practicing this type of yoga.

According to Deepak Chopra in the Seven Spiritual Laws of Yoga “If the practice of yoga provided only these physical benefits, it would fully justify its place in our lives. However, at its core, yoga is much more than a system of physical fitness. It is a science of balanced living, a path for realizing full human potential.”

These words sum up exactly why I have decided to immerse myself in a teacher training.  Do I want to teach?  Possibly.  I love the idea of sharing yoga with others…particularly Yoga “off the mat.”  But primarily I cannot wait to witness the personal spiritual and physical growth that I know will occur in the next year.  I  intend to use my experience to help others with their own personal development and truly cannot think of any other type of work that would bring me such joy.  So even though this leg of my journey has just begun I am already experiencing unprecedented peace and contentment in my life because I know I am on the exact path I am supposed to be on.  I guess I have always been since everything I have experienced has brought me here.