Sitting here on Easter Eve I think the timing could not be better for me to put down in writing many thoughts that have been culminating in my heart and mind on the topic of darkness and sin. If you are reading this and are uncomfortable with the word "sin" or the idea that you are not perfect, or if it terrifies you to think about revealing your less than attractive qualities to other people or to your self, then you might want to stop reading here because what I am going to say will probably make you uncomfortable, or might not make any sense to you at all.
I used to be one of the people I describe above. I knew to some extent that I had flaws and that I made mistakes from time to time, but I basically thought I was a smart, good and decent person and that I would always know to do the right thing, which I wrongly believed made me immune to making bad choices and set me apart from "those other people" who made stupid mistakes and displayed reckless behavior. Certainly I was not someone capable of making an enormous, destructive mistake that would resemble a near-death sentence for my marriage and a wrecking ball to the beautiful family I am blessed with. But I did.
It has taken me many months of reflection and some odd hours of therapy to fully understand what happened in my life to lead me to make some of the decisions that I did (which I will not discuss in detail but most people close to me know the story and those that don't can probably surmise to a certain extent.) I am so thankful for the understanding and compassion I have gained in seeing how my life circumstances and the beliefs I formulated surrounding these experiences contributed to why things unfolded for me as they did. This is not an excuse, but simply an acknowledgment that there is always something more behind someone's behavior than meets the eye. Once the dust settled from this major upset that had occurred in my life I was left saying to myself "How the *&%$ did this happen?" I sought therapy to help me understand. So here in-lies the message I would like to communicate based on what I have learned through my painful, sobering and life changing experience.
One thing that is universal to all humans is that we have needs ranging in complexity from physical to emotional and ultimately spiritual. All behavior is an attempt to meet these needs (We are thirsty, we reach for a drink. We have an itch, we scratch it. We want to emotionally connect with someone, we pick up the phone and call a friend. You catch my drift.) I am starting to see very clearly that the cause for the majority of our pain and suffering in life and in relationships is a direct result of not knowing how to meet our own personal needs in a healthy way, either on our own or by asking someone else for help. Destructive behavior is essentially a lousy and clumsy attempt at meeting a need because we just don't know how to do it and we have major blind spots that prevent us from seeing what is really going on. This phenomenon has become abundantly clear to me in my role as a parent. I have learned, and believe, that when children act out or "misbehave" the child is simply showing us that she has a need and is just trying to meet it to the best of her ability. Therefore she may resort to some type of behavior (like hitting, shouting or crying) in an attempt to meet her need and we label this behavior as "bad." And often times we punish the child instead of trying to understand what is really the root cause of this behavior, which is our job as a parent. But, I digress... When this happens however, it is much easier for us to forgive children for their behavior because we expect that since they are kids, they just do not know any better. But isn't it the same with us adults? Could it be that when we make mistakes in our lives we are basically over sized children trying unsuccessfully to have one of our needs met? How different would the world look if we could view poor decisions made by other people in this light, rather through the harsh and judgmental lens we tend to use while evaluating other people's behavior? Obviously there are things we should be expected to know better as adults than children and we all must be held responsible for our behavior, but there is A LOT to learn in life and it is unrealistic to think that we know it all. I believe we are put on this Earth to learn and grow closer to God and if we knew everything already there would be no purpose for us to even be here. A mantra that I often repeat to myself when I am frustrated or hurt by another person's actions is "He or she is doing the best they can with they have at this time." I fully embrace this as the truth.
Yet I still found myself sitting in my therapist's office feeling completely dumbfounded over the fact that some one as intelligent, conscious and from my perspective, genuinely loving and caring as myself could make a mistake that in hindsight seemed so obviously wrong, hurtful and destructive. And I asked my therapist for the umpteenth time...."But how could I have done this?" And her response was, "YOU JUST DIDN'T KNOW." Could it really be that simple?
So what do we do in this situation, when we come face to face with our imperfection and our inherently sinful nature? I have learned it gets me nowhere fast to stay stuck in shame or judgment of myself but I have also realized it is necessary to fully feel the emotions that come along with seeing and realizing the ramifications of my actions and the pain I caused to important people in my life . For me to move forward with forgiving myself I had to lay down all my defenses and become completely vulnerable in admitting how wrong I was. And that is not easy to do. But once I did, I felt a lightness that I had not felt before, and I experienced grace in the true sense of the word. Only then could I truly begin the work of learning and growing from my mistake, which clearly is the only option (unless you prefer to stay stuck and fester in negative thoughts about yourself.) But again, the point I want to make is how critical it is to go through the process of fully embracing and seeing the unattractive, sinful, child-like parts of yourself and seeing the painful truth that we are blind and ignorant in many ways. Growth will not occur by glossing over, denying or repressing the truth, because the parts of ourselves that need healing will remain outside our field of vision, in our unconscious. In order for true forgiveness and ultimately growth to occur one must allow the light of one's awareness to shine on these blind spots so they can be integrated and then healed and transformed into healthier patterns. The challenging part and the true definition of "loving oneself" is that meeting our dysfunction face to face needs to happen with a gentleness and compassion towards oneself instead of in harsh judgment that can lead to debilitating feelings of shame.
I am working on this. Some days are better than others and as with most processes, it is not linear. But I know that overall I am a stronger, wiser, healthier, humbler and more compassionate person as a result of it all. So much so that I give thanks to God for bringing these lessons into our life because we are gaining, growing and changing for the better in so many ways. I am ready to leave this painful chapter behind, but the world will not let me easily forget my mistakes as there are natural consequences that I must face every day. But I try to focus on the good things that are coming into my life and into my marriage as a result of the trials we have endured. Everything that happens to us in our life can be used to our advantage if we choose to see it this way and love really can conquer all.
I have found that the more I am humbled by my realization of how imperfect I am, the more joy, love and freedom I experience in my life. Perhaps it's because I am not exerting so much energy trying to desperately hide the obvious fact that I am flawed (as we all are in some way.) Perhaps it's because when your dark sides are exposed, they are met and embraced by the opposite of dark, and this light begins to fill you up and shine brightly and warmly inside of you. Additionally, once you see how flawed you are yourself, you begin to judge others less, and traits in other people that used to bring irritation or anger now elicit a friendlier, more compassionate response. And if you are REALLY lucky, as I am, you even still have some friends and family supporting you unconditionally and a strong and courageous husband learning these valuable lessons along side of you, which is one of the greatest gifts of my life.
But I believe the ultimate reward for being brave enough to face down your demons and being humbled and cracked open by the mistakes we are all capable of making simply because we are human, is the fact that space is then cleared out for you to receive God's abundant love, grace and forgiveness into your life and your heart. The true gift is that once we are forced to see how broken and inadequate we really are and that we are not capable of navigating this life on our own, we
have no choice but to rest and trust in the loving hands of God who is so much bigger and more capable than we are. This feeling and experience is simply beyond words.
Happy Easter!
No comments:
Post a Comment