Be. Here. Now.

The difference between the title of my last post ("What Next?") and this one ("Be. Here. Now.") strikes me as humorous, and causes me to look back with tenderness on my self, as I see with such clarity now how I have lived most of my life with an obsession of the future, which pulled me out of the pristine perfection of the present moment.  I feel a little sorry looking back at the old me (like I want to give myself a hug) because I think I missed a lot of the beauty and joy of life as a result of my constant worrying, planning and controlling, but also feel much gratitude that I still have a hell of a lot of living to do!

So...the content of my last post seems inflated with all of my "grand plans"on how I think my new career and life purpose will look.  I really thought I had it all figured out when I wrote that!  A lot can happen in seven months.  In September I was blessed with my beautiful, new son, Judah Wright.  Just a mere 9 days after he was born, I attended my first class in the Tree of Life Seminary program.  There I was, sitting in a circle of 8 other seminary students, in a silent meditation while my newborn baby slurped away at my breast and farted contentedly.  One might think that I would catch on at this point that perhaps it would be extremely challenging, if not completely impossible, to commit to a seminary program that had at its foundation, a requirement for a daily meditation practice.  On a good day with three kids age five and under, I can shower, brush my teeth and remember to eat.  It did not take me long to realize that I simply would not be able to complete the work required of me in the program, as much as I wanted to believe I could, without sacrificing my sanity and health, and therefore causing my family to suffer.

This extreme change of heart (going from entering the program with eagerness and enthusiasm to withdrawing from the class) gave me no choice but to reflect on why I made the decision I did to enroll in the seminary in the first place...especially in light of the fact that it seemed like a really bad idea.  What I discovered in this process was surprising and liberating.  First and foremost, I recognized in myself a tendency to be blind to what is in front of me RIGHT NOW.  Blind to the present moment..consumed with something else.  Clearly, life is showing that what is required of me right now is to be a wife and a mother and I want to perform these roles to the best of my ability.  The reality is that I am currently maxed out with being a wife and a mother and have little energy left for much else.  So why was I looking to take on a huge commitment that would be a drain on my already very limited time and resources?  The answer to this question was the one that was the most revealing, and healing, for me: I finally saw that I was equating achievement with success.  In my mind, if I was not working towards some future, tangible goal, I was not successful in life.  Never mind that I am doing what I truly believe in my heart to be the most important work there is: raising three children and creating a happy and healthy home environment with the strongest foundation possible for our family.  My prayers have been answered, and I am finally given the opportunity to do exactly what I have always known that I wanted...to be in the comfort of my home raising my beautiful children...and I cannot relax into it!  How crazy is that?  But the sad truth is I think we all do it, all of the time.

The gift of life, the present moment, the joy and peace that passes all understanding, is as close and accessible to each one of us as our own breath.  But it is usually glossed over, ignored, and feels completely inaccessible because we do not know where or how to find it.  We do not know how to simply focus our attention on our breath because we are so used to focusing our energy on things outside and around us.  Our inner landscape is completely unfamiliar, uncharted territory.  We are too busy chasing whatever it is we have fooled ourselves into believing will make us good, worthy people and enhancing our false sense of self when the jewel of life, the treasure, is within us.

Once I was able to see the TRUTH of my situation, I was overwhelmed with a joy I have not yet experienced since my time began as a stay at home mom almost three years ago.  Now a day does not go by that I am not overflowing with joy and gratitude for my ability to relax into the present moment and therefore enjoy and savor this time of my life.

I challenge you to ask yourself what pulls you out of the present moment?  How do you try to organize and categorize your life to paint the kind of picture you want to see,  but one that may be very different than reality?  What are you trying to run away from?

"The Truth will set you free."

~Jesus