What Next?

Sometimes I am overcome with the urge to pick up a really good book but am not sure where to start.  Do I go on Amazon, peruse the selections and read the reviews to help me make a choice, or head to the local library and browse the shelves for something that catches my eye?  Sure, these are options but I have found that what works best every time, without fail, is to simply wait and trust that the right book will come to me.  Some of the most life changing books I have ever read have come to me in this manner.  One I found on the shelf in the freebie section at the dump, and many others have been given to me or recommended by friends, family and acquaintances with uncanny timing.

Most recently, I realized I wanted a really good book to read on my vacation, which is coming up at the end of the month.  I looked on Amazon but my gut was telling me to just wait, something will come along.  A few days later, my daughter's preschool teacher, who I have gotten to know quite well over the past year, brought a book in for me that she found while clearing her shelves at home called "Yoga and the Quest for the True Self" by Stephen Cope. The author is a Western trained psychologist and now teaches yoga and holds a position at the Kripalu Center and the book is a fascinating blend of yoga philosophy and Western psychology.  She said she immediately thought of me when she came across it on her shelf. Even more interesting was the story she told me of finding the book at Barnes and Noble.  She recalls that she was coming out of the restroom and just happened to notice the title.  Ironically, she does not even practice much yoga and the book has a very plain, unassuming cover so she wasn't sure exactly what drew her to it.  But she felt compelled to buy it so she did.  She loved it and was kind enough to share it and the book is having quite an impact on me.

As I listen to my deepest intuition and continue on my path I have discovered that my true passion and fascination lies in bridging the gap between Eastern and Western philosophies in healing the mind and spirit, allowing a person to live to his full potential as a whole human being.  It is clear that most Western therapists do not address the role of the soul or spirit in psychotherapy.  Since we exist in this world as body, mind and spirit it is alarming to me that the entire being or person is not being addressed during therapy.  Since the meaning of "heal" is to "make whole" I believe we are therefore missing the mark and significantly impeding the healing process by only acknowledging the mind in Western psychotherapy (and the body in Western medicine.) 

In the foreward of the book "How to Know God - The Yoga Aphorisms of Patanjali" the author states as follows: "The majority of Western phychotherapists do not, as yet, recognize the existence of the Atman, the Godhead within man - and do not, therefore, help their patients achieve the union of perfect yoga."  (Perfect yoga is the union, or yoking, of individual consciousness with divine consciousness or intelligence.)

He goes on to say "As for those psychotherapists, now becoming quite numerous, who take an interest in yoga, many of them would no doubt state their position somewhat as follows: 'We can help our patients to a certain point - to an adequate degree of adjustment on the psychosocial level.  Beyond that, we're not ready to go.  We recognize the possibility of a higher, spiritual integration, but we prefer not to make it part of our therapy, because we believe that the two should be kept separate.  If a patient wants spiritual integration, we can only send him to a yoga teacher or a minister of religion.  Where we leave off, yoga begins.'  And there, for the present, the problem rests."

When I read these words, it is difficult to explain how I feel, but it's like a longing in my heart, a passion, conviction and excitement over the fact that there is some serious work to be done.  I see now how the path I have chosen to date is laying the ground for my future work.  First, my dive into yoga teacher training, then a taste of coaching through the additional certification I completed last year through Health, Yoga, Life www.healthyogalife.com.  But I want and crave more and it feels so amazing to have clarity around the type of work and purpose I feel I am meant to do and serve in this lifetime.  So, my next step will be embarking on a two year seminary program offered through the Tree of Life School for Sacred Living in Amherst, NH www.tolinterfaithtemple.org.  Upon completion of my studies I will be ordained as an Interfaith Minister.  The program will serve to further my own healing and clearing so that I will best be able to connect with the divine impulse within my heart to know how to best serve and manifest my life's purpose.  This concept and belief is what the entire program is centered on - it involves a serious commitment to daily spiritual practice, such as meditation and/or prayer as well as exploring the common threads found throughout the world's major faith traditions (Christianity, Buddhism, Judaism, Hinduism, etc.)

I feel that in order to support others, I need to be as far along in my own healing journey as possible, which includes continuing to further my knowledge and understanding of the psycho/spiritual realm, but most importantly to continue to enhance my direct experience of God, or the soul, which I know this program will help support.  It will be wonderful to be surrounded by people going through a similar experience, discovery and transformation.  Currently, my vision also includes embarking on a Master's Degree in Psychology but so far I have yet to find a program that fits all my needs.  So, like my desire for the perfect book, I trust that the ideal program will present itself at just the right time.  But I am also open to what else could be in store for me that has yet to come into my field of awareness.  Stay tuned! :-)

Beautiful Quote and Photo

To follow up on my post from earlier this week, please take a look at this beautiful photo and inspirational quote that ties in perfectly to what I was writing about.  This was posted by my yoga teacher, Maureen Miller, on her Facebook page Living Life Making Choices.  If you like what you see, please like her page!

http://www.facebook.com/livinglifemakingchoices#!/photo.php?fbid=10150686837546322&set=a.10150197083856322.342194.253498356321&type=1&theater

The Voice

I feel compelled to begin this post by talking about how long it's been since my last post.  But I think that's how I started last time, so it's probably getting old.  But I am aware that I am a very sporadic blogger. Awareness is the first step towards change though, right?

I have missed working on my blog and could list a whole host of reasons why I haven't had time.  But that would make for a really boring post, and the fact of the matter is that I simply did not make the time for it. I do not really buy into the whole "I don't have time for that" excuse.  If something is a priority, time can always be created.  But I am digressing here....I will say that the push I needed to finally stop procrastinating came from a friend who posted a comment today stating that I was her inspiration for her to start a blog of her own, which was one of the highest compliments I have received.  Her blog is wonderful and can be viewed at http://juli-thelittlethings.blogspot.com/.  It made me think "Wow, maybe I do have something to say that people find interesting."  What a concept.

What I find so inspiring about reading other people's blogs is that it shows who a person really is down to the depths of his or her soul.  Blogging provides an avenue for people to express his or voice and to shine his or her unique light out into the world wide web.  As you know, there are blogs on just about every topic imaginable.  For someone to devote the time and energy it takes to write a blog means it is something they are extremely passionate about.  It just amazes me that people possess such an endless variety of fascinating hobbies, interests and talents, and how many colors to the rainbow of humanity there really are.

Yoga and meditation have helped me to clear the static of my thoughts and dial into the deepest desires and impulses of my own heart.  This intuition that every person holds...the deep feelings, ideas or sensations that go beyond the five senses we are accustomed to using....has become my compass, my guide as I navigate this incredible journey of life.

I believe we are all born with these inner impulses planted in us.  It is what makes us uniquely us...they are our divine gifts, or dharma, whether it be something big and bold like being a gifted athlete or something a little quieter, like being a really amazing listener.  It is our duty to recognize and honor these gifts that have been bestowed upon us, whatever they may be.  As the Bhagavad Gita states: "It is better to perform one's own duty (dharma) imperfectly than to perform another's duty (dharma) perfectly."  So where doubt used to reign, I now fully trust and respect who I am and see gifts and talents where I used to see none.  I listen to the little voice inside and I enjoy listening to others expressing their individual voices as well.  We all have beautiful and special gifts to offer if we could just turn the volume down on the fearful and doubtful cacophony in our minds and listen instead to the song in our hearts.  This song has many different melodies...it could be singing a tune about a vocation that feels as if it would be deeply fulfilling, or something particular you feel really compelled to say to someone, or just a general feeling of knowing you are on the right path.  When we hear the voice from within that is sending us messages, our tendency however is to usually stifle the voice with self doubt.  We may say things like "I could never make money or be successful doing that."  Or, "What I have to say does not really matter."  Or we might bend to the opinions of other people rather than carving the path that feels truly right for us.

This is not to say that doubt does not still arise for me.  It does, a lot.  But I have learned to simply take a look at this doubt, ask myself if it is true or holds any merit, look at the situation from as wide of a lens as possible and then usually default back to whatever my intuition is telling me.  As the saying goes, I have learned to "doubt my doubts."

A friend recently shared this short poem written by the beloved children's poet Shel Silverstein with me.  It is called "The Voice" and contains wisdom to be valued by the young and old alike:

There is a voice inside of you
That whispers all day long,
"I feel that this is right for me,
I know that this is wrong."
No teacher, preacher, parent, friend
Or wise man can decide
What's right for you - just listen to
The voice that speaks inside. 

 
  

Do You Believe in What You See?

For all my faithful followers out there (all two of you :-) I want to apologize for letting so much time go by in between posts.  This summer, I was completely consumed with learning the lessons I am going to discuss here.  For me, they are monumental, life changing lessons that have taken 33 years and a lot of suffering to eventually learn.

The first lesson is that things are not always what they seem.  EVER.  Our human minds have the tendency to  judge, label, confine, and organize ideas and concepts and grasp onto form as a way to feel secure.  Form exists as people, objects, situations, beliefs, thoughts and feelings.  Identifying with form is our way of feeling safe and in control.  It is our ego's way of saying "I've got this whole life thing figured out."  Unfortunately, form is also subject to the laws of nature, which means it is going to break down at some point and as humans we miss out on the true essence of life and cause ourselves suffering if we remain too rigidly attached to any kind of form.  Yoga practice teaches you not only to be flexible in the body but most importantly in the mind. Yoga essentially teaches you to "go with the flow."

So, my belief (or the particular form I was identified with) was something along the lines of "My marriage is rock solid, nothing will ever crack it, and I am such a moral and highly evolved person that I would never do anything to put my marriage and family at risk." (um...hello ego!)  Your mind might be running away with all sorts of guesses as to what happened here.  And I am not going to explain as the story is extremely long and complicated and the details are irrelevant to the points I want to make.  (Rest assured that there was no dishonesty or infidelity involved, but even if there was, it would still be OK as I am learning...just read on :-)  It did however include a series of choices I made that now in hindsight do appear to be extremely poor and incredibly painful.  And this perfect storm led us to a point where we were not sure our marriage was going to survive.  The word "divorce" was used.  Never, in a million years, would I have imagined to be having that conversation with my husband.  So there you go.  This belief I held about myself was dissolving right before my very eyes as a result of choices I made that seemed like the right ones at the time.  Proof that nothing is as it seems.  Life is energy in a constant state of flux and as humans we have the tendency to cling to form instead of staying open and flexible to the fact that things are constantly changing...in my case I was attached to the idea that I was pretty darn perfect and had an impenetrable marriage so I was shocked and humbled when life challenged this belief.

The second main lesson I learned and the one that is the most meaningful to me is what it means to truly love.  The Buddhists have a term called "bodhichitta" which is essentially translated into "completely open, awakened, and enlightened heart and mind."  It is equated with our ability to love.  I have been reading about this concept for quite some time but only is it now that I have shifted into a true understanding of it through direct experience.  According to Pema Chodron in her book "The Places that Scare You" it is only bodhichitta that heals and bodhichitta that is capable of transforming the hardest of hearts and the most prejudiced and fearful of minds.  For me, I have finally used the concept of bodhichitta to heal myself and learn to love myself unconditionally, and I believe this is exactly where it needs to start.

Throughout the events of the past couple of months there have been many stones thrown and some hurtful things said and believed about me.  The first step for me was finding it in my heart to forgive these people.  Everyone sees the world through completely different lenses, and these unique views are the truth for each individual.  I was making decisions based on my beliefs at the time, and people were judging those decisions based on their beliefs.  That is all fine and good and makes sense to me.  Intellectually, I do not fault anyone for having beliefs that do not line up with my own.  But emotionally it was a different story.  Words can be like poison if you allow them to be.  And I could slowly feel myself allowing the poison to seep into my soul.  Thoughts like "I am a selfish, bad and evil person, a terrible wife and mother" started swirling around my head.  Which led me to my moment where my soul screamed "Stop feeding me with this toxic energy!" I finally realized that I had been accepting these false beliefs about myself for 33 years and all of these past experiences had finally brought me to this place, and to this moment, where I chose to live my life from a place of love and freedom instead of fear and self deprecation. Yes, I made some mistakes.  But this is where it ends for me.  I view these mistakes as golden opportunities from which I will learn as much as I possibly can and increase my awareness about myself and awaken compassion for other people who also stumble along the way.  But I am not bad.  No one is.  We are all children of God...born as pure love, light and joy which is our natural state of being and wholeness.

Bodhichitta has the ability to transform and heal the world.  There is so much pain and suffering that we inflict by the ego's need to label, judge and persecute ourselves and others.  It is through self love and acceptance that we gain the ability to love others unconditionally and fully.  For example, in this Perfect Storm, my husband's pain caused him to say and do some very hurtful things to me as well.  I now believe I have a fuller understanding of what it means to love and forgive since I was able to do it for myself so it becomes natural to look at him, see the beauty in his soul and recognize that as his true essence.  Rather than retaliate and defend with more hurtful words and actions, which would clearly escalate the situation, I am able to more easily forgive him and open my heart in compassion.  And I know he is working on doing the same for me. We feel that these experiences are teaching and allowing us to love eachother in the truest sense of the word: unconditionally.

So in the end, I realize how from an outsider's perspective the choices I made were the "wrong" ones.  However, the only way I can explain what led me to do what I did, was that I knew, without a doubt that I was being guided by the deepest part of myself....my authentic self, my soul, or even by God, to make the decisions that I made.  This is what I know.  I followed my heart and my truth and it led us into this current situation that looks like a horrible accident scene from the outside, but what does it look like on the inside?  It ties back to my first lesson, which is "nothing is as it seems" because from our perspective it is a beautiful place.  We know in the depth of our souls that this was part of a larger plan to bring us to ground zero so that we can rebuild our life and our marriage into something even deeper, more joyous and grounded in truth than ever before and are so grateful for the opportunity.

Homework

Today I completed a four week Meditation Workshop with Margaret Fletcher of Well Aware as part of my Yoga Teacher Training.  Our final class assignment was to complete our own personal statement on meditation.  Well, my statement turned into a one page essay, which I am now turning into a blog post :-)  Here it is....

“And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.”

These lyrics are from the song title “After the Storm” by Mumford and Sons.  This group’s music and lyrics are quite spiritual in nature and many of them have become personal anthems to me as I continue to unfold and grow on my own journey.   I feel this verse in particular sums up my greatest takeaway from Margaret’s meditation workshop.

As a relatively new meditator, I believe I spent some time in what I would call a" honeymoon phase" with meditation.  I felt many effects almost immediately after I started meditating such as inner peace, stillness of the mind and mental and emotional spaciousness.  I had never taken the time to just sit in silence and do the work it takes to focus your attention, start to quiet the mind and discover what is beneath all of the mental chatter, and it was exhilarating and liberating.

During the month of my workshop, however, I experienced what I would describe as a shift in mood or a mild bout of depression.  These low energy feelings and emotions were not new to me, but they certainly did not fit with what I had more recently been experiencing…feelings I would describe as joy, contentment and ease.  Enter here the lyrics from above…”And now I cling to what I knew, I saw exactly what was true,  But oh no more.”  Oh no more.  In this negative emotional state I could not seem to access those feelings that I had deemed as “positive” no matter how desperately I wanted to.  What I came to realize was that I was clinging and had become quite attached to the idea of feeling good.  Yes, feeling good is nice and comfortable but feeling bad is just as normal and a natural part of the human experience.  The Truth that is ultimately revealed during meditation is actually what lies below and gives rise to both of these feeling states. 

 

So I decided to take the teachings I had been learning and continue to sit with what I was feeling instead of trying to change it, as challenging as that was to me.  I also decided to stop clinging to how I thought I should be feeling, since I recognized that this judgment was creating a lot of inner turmoil.  What I ultimately learned from this experience is that both feeling good and feeling bad are simply temporary, transient conditions, just like our thoughts are just energy forms that rise and fall within our consciousness.  And that the point of meditation is not to necessarily help you feel good all the time, but to simply hold the space for yourself to experience it all.  Through the practice of sitting and observing your thoughts and the workings of your mind the real Truth is revealed to you…this Truth is the unchanging stillness within each of us that silently witnesses our ever-changing moods, thoughts and feelings.   It is, in fact, the same consciousness that holds the entire universe and remains completely unaffected by external conditions.  By beginning to identify yourself as your spirit, or the observer, instead of as your thoughts, emotions or life circumstances you are able to live peacefully from a state of equanimity since things are not good or bad from this perspective, they just are.   You also begin to organically live as your highest, authentic self and not from the beliefs and barriers created by your mind or ego.

While this Truth is right there for all of us to choose at any moment it does take work and a true commitment and desire to train and harness the mind.  With the proper intention and a small amount of effort on a daily basis anyone can achieve similar results.  And as this song so beautifully describes, once the Truth is experienced, there is no turning back.

So....How's the Weather?

I think it is pretty safe to say that spring has officially sprung here in New England.  Of course there are the typical northeast weather patterns to contend with (such as the cool, rainy stretch of weather we are currently experiencing) but everything is in full bloom and bursting with life, energy and color.  It is a welcome sight after many months colored by shades of brown, gray and white.  Year after year, nature generously offers us the freshness of spring and the promise of brighter, warmer days ahead.

Lately I have been turning more and more to nature as a way to keep myself in balance.  I recall that I used to have a tendency to become highly agitated if the weather did not cooperate and provide the sunshine I wanted on a vacation, or the snow I desired to create a picturesque white Christmas.  How funny I find this that I took the weather personally and actually became emotional about it!  This morning while I was sitting in silence before I started the routine of my day, I listened to the rain gently falling outside my window.  Instead of feeling annoyed and wishing it was a sunny day so that I could get out for a walk (which I did), I decided to appreciate the peaceful sound of the rain and thought of how beautiful and green everything will be after this week long stretch of wet weather that is in the forecast.

I also try to apply these same qualities of gratitude and acceptance into my life on a daily basis.  As much as we like to think we are separate and special, the fact is that we are an integral part of the whole universe and intricately connected to nature.  Once we witness how beautifully, intelligently and perfectly everything in nature unfolds I wonder how we can even begin to imagine that we are more powerful than it or reason that it is actually productive to resist anything that shows up in our lives?  To oppose or try to assert power over situations or circumstances in our life creates what I visualize as a blockage to the natural, creative flow of life itself.

This is not to say that we should expect to feel elated and joyful over everything that happens to us, or that we are not the captains of our own ships to a certain extent.  The fact is that suffering is part of the human experience.  To me, it's about allowing it all to happen without creating resistance or judgment, which only leads to more suffering.  To deny the dark, difficult or uncomfortable times is to deny life.  To try to rush or force something to happen before it is ready to reveal itself or unfold naturally is a futile effort and a waste of energy.  Again, nature is a wonderful example of this.  We need to know the night to understand the day, storms to appreciate the calm winds, snow and cold to fully enjoy the warmth of basking in the sun.  And just when you are ready to give up, the first flower of spring bursts through the ground.

Spiritual Girl in a Material World

Madonna painted a very accurate picture of our modern day society with her 1985 hit song, Material Girl.  Lately I have been pondering the fact that the industrial and technological age in which we are living comprises just the tiniest fraction of time that humans have roamed the earth.  It is hard for us to imagine that less than a century ago many of the modern day conveniences we are accustomed to did not exist. The vast majority of human experience on this planet has been without these "things."  Without the modern day distractions that pull us further and further away from nature and our own true essence/divinity, it is no wonder that people thousands of years ago were more self actualized and spiritually enlightened than people of today.  I imagine that living in closer accord with nature led them to fully grasp the fact that they were part of the whole, rather than separate from it, much sooner.

Recently, my yoga teacher and health coach Maureen Miller received a suggestion from a student to write about the topic of how to continue to "live in the mystery" in a world that constantly demands that we solve it....solve how to pay the bills, how to make enough money, how to have enough time, how to plan for our future, etc.  Since this is something I have been pondering myself I decided to take a stab at answering the question on my blog in my own words.  Maureen will also be offering her spin so please visit her at www.livinglifemakingchoices.wordpress.com.

For me, this past year has collectively been one the biggest "teaching moments" of my life on this very topic.  I have been very blessed to never have to worry about financial security...until this year.  I realized that it is quite challenging to "live in the flow" while something very concrete, such as your bank account, is sending off alarms that things are not OK.  I imagine this goes for many things in life, such as illness or injury (Your body and symptoms are presenting evidence that something is not OK) or any type of loss (That thing, or person, is no longer there!  How can things possibly still be OK?)  I found myself struggling with this question.  I would feel the anxiety start to overtake me and I would try to relax into it telling myself that all is well and that I need to trust in the universe to provide for me but the rebuttal from my ego was always "Your bank account, and these cold, hard numbers are telling a different story and you are screwed."

Hmmm...this was quite a dilemma for me.  During the year I certainly made steps such as simply becoming aware of the fear driven emotions I was having and learning they were not reality and not "me." I also realized that despite all of my worry and anxiety about how we would continue to get by, we were still getting by, so the worrying was clearly not serving me at all.  Intellectually I was starting to grasp certain spiritual concepts, and spiritually I was learning how to live in the moment and at times feel total peace, bliss and wholeness despite the external circumstances of my life.  But your ego is a powerful force to be reckoned with and how easy it was for me to fall victim once again to the false beliefs that my ego was presenting.

So one day, during meditation, something clicked for me.  I will try my best to explain what I felt but it is certainly something that needs to be experienced and I am not sure it can be reasoned or explained. 

There are two basic emotions that we feel as human beings: love and fear.  Anything fear driven (in other words, any negative emotion such as anger, guilt, fear, envy, etc.) is coming from ego...your "false" self or your mind.  Emotions driven by love (hope, joy, compassion, etc.) are stemming from your "authentic" self or soul, and is what connects you to God (or the universe, consciousness, nature, a higher power, or whatever you choose to call it.)  Your mind and ego are constantly trying to solve the mystery.  The trick is to acknowledge your ego without judging it.  Remember, it is just doing it's job, which is to survive.  Your authentic self, on the other hand, can relax into the mystery and go with the flow because it does not know fear.  It can't possibly know fear, since your spirit, or essence, cannot "lose," is eternal and boundless, always with you, and completely unchanged by anything of the material world.  (This is what yoga and meditation helps to teach you.  You start to see your thoughts and emotions as simply clouds passing through a brilliant, blue sky...the blue sky is your true self, spirit or soul.)  In my situation, my mind was working overtime crunching numbers, figuring out how we were going to make ends meet, how much more income we would need to generate to make it all work.  That is because the ego identifies with all things external and therefore is constantly in a state of fear that those things will be taken away.  When you get to the point where all of your grasping and attempts at solving your problem fail and there is simply nothing left to cling to, something really beautiful happens.  Pema Chodron calls this states "groundlessness" and I love that term. Once you realize you have no more ground to stand on you have no choice but to relax, release and let go....and then you realize "Holy shit! That was a crazy ride, but I am getting off and am still in one piece."  Your external situation hasn't changed at all but you are still OK.  In fact, you are more than OK because this place you relax into is literally heaven on earth.  The amazing thing is that it is always there every second of every day for us to choose.  Sadly, thoughts and emotions such as guilt, regret, fear or worry (in other words, thoughts of past or future) can quickly pull us away from the gift of the present moment.

So, I am wondering as I reread my post if this helps answer the question about how to live in the mystery in our structured, material world.  I think what it comes down to is the fact that there are always bills to be paid, jobs to be worked, things to plan for in the future.  But we have to learn at some point that we cannot and do not control everything that happens in our lives.  So what do we do?  We go along, make the best choices we can from a place of love, let go, and trust the universe to take care of the rest.  Easier said than done, right?  But totally doable.

I have read in my many books, most recently in Wayne Dyer's interpretation of the Tao Te Ching, that it is possible to live a worry free existence.  Now that I have had a taste of it, I know that to be true.  How liberating this is!  This is not to say that I will no longer experience moments of fear, panic or even complete terror but I certainly feel better equipped to deal with whatever life throws my way.  I am a spiritual girl living in a material world, loving and trusting the mystery and enjoying the ride.